who am i?
who am i?
no, really--who am i?

haha i just wrote that as the title of this entry on a random whim...
but now that i really think about it...
who am i?

let me tell you the first two answers that popped in my head.

firstly, "oh yeah, i'm joyce jinshil im."
second, "i am God's daughter."

this pleases me.
because my first answer shows that i still have a straight-forward head on my shoulders.
secondly, because this little reflection revealed that next to my own name,
i identify myself first as God's daughter.

i remember learning that identifying myself with anything/anyone other than God is empty.

so, thankfully, my first instinct about my own identify is my relationship with my Creator.

anyway, this was intended to be another random entry.
so...here goes. haha

i've been doing a lot of complaining lately,
about how hard my life has become,
about all my stress from so much responsibility,
etc. etc.

i've decided all this complaining has to stop.
i'm annoying MYSELF with my whining.

straight up--yeah, there is no denying that my responsibilities/life is difficult in many ways,
and many of the people i know in my generation wouldn't be able to handle it.
so, no doubt, i'm not complaining about illegitimate reasons.

but let me ask, who am i?
i'm joyce & God's daughter.
i am JOYCE.

...those close to me know that i am a rather complicated person,
but in the bigger picture, i am also a simple person with a rather solid image...
& i know that many people see me (and with good reason) as a
joyful, energetic, straight-forward, 4D (for lack of a better word), and bright girl.

through all of the ups and downs in my life,
those characteristics describe the part of me that has persisted.

so, to sum it up,
i'm not exactly complaining about nothing,
but i've also been built to conquer with a wink & a smile.
therefore, i should just get over myself & carry on as i always have.
i'm a survivor.

plus, i feel sorry for my loved ones who have had to listen to my sob-fest.

that reminds me - grace, my friend,
for some reason, lately,
i have been missing you very much
& also feeling guilty for some reason.
if you ever read this, i hope you know that
i hope that i have been a good friend to you.
and not just you to me.
'cause you have been a good friend to me,
but we haven't talked in a million years
so i'm pretty much really sad.
but i haven't called you yet.
'cause i run around all day lately.
so...sorry.
yup.
...heehee.


anyway,
i also want to announce that
i cleaned my room the 16th of july 2009.
my mom used to insist my room was an open invitation to demons,
but HA! not no more !
now, it's a place for God & His crew ! muahaha YAYYYYYY
yee son :)
it's taken a bit of getting used to.
for the first few days, i kept getting a shock everytime i stepped into my room.
like, "WHOA! holy mackeral, whose room is this? did i step into the wrong room?"
hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa.
you can actually see my desk surface now...
it's glass...but nobody could tell before.
i showed my friend my room & he said, "oh, your desk is glass? i thought it was wood this whole time..."
HAHA geez !
i've been trying to keep it up 'cause i know how it can get when things get out of hand...

now, all i need to do is get my driver's license and i'll be one step closer to becoming...
a mature woman...? haha i don't know. whatever.
i want my license so people will stop disrespecting & i can go to the bank whenever i want.


and...i've been trying to put this off for a while...
but since i'm writing...might as well get this off my chest...teehee
bear with me, i'm a 20 year old girl, c'mon.

i think i'm lonely.
i'm pretty sure i miss having a boyfriend.
(btw, i'm pretty sure i DON'T miss my ex-boyfriend,
so don't get any ideas.
it's taken me a while & i've had to plow through a lot of hurt,
but i've resurfaced a survivor.
i'm a girl on top.)
but i miss kissing, holding hands, hugging,
having someone who's really into me,
having someone who's really interested and concerned about me,
etc.
when i think of these things,
the guy whose hand i'm holding isn't my ex-boyfriend's.
it's a really hot wonderful guy,
which makes it harder for me.
makes what harder, you ask?
i don't know...'cause there's nothing i can/would do right now anyway.
i'm not about to go looking for somebody
& i'm not about to just go be anybody
'cause that's for sure NOT how i roll.

anyway, i haven't felt like this for too long
because i've been single for over a year
& i haven't had any complications so far.
i've been high-riding as a single lady, so
no tears about wanting a man over here.

i'm not sure what exactly brought up these recent feelings in me.
only God knows.
but i just know that i wanna start flirting
and being admired and such.
i haven't had that in so long.
okay, i have that here & there,
but not from anybody i'm interested in back.
there are no men around here that catch my interest.
i know practically all of the guys around here.
there's nobody interesting.

i want to date a korean guy for once.
okay, i've only dated one guy (who was not korean).
but i've never really even had a "thing" with a korean guy.

i've had 5 major crushes in my life.
when i like someone, i like them very much & for a long time.
my affections don't bounce from person to person.
3 of those crushes were korean,
and only one of them returned any feelings,
but even he never made anything clear.

so, i want to date a korean guy for once in my life.

i've been surrounded by them for most of my life,
and i don't think i've ever really attracted any of them.
korean guys, i mean.
there must be something that attracts them that i just don't have.

i'm not really friends with many of them,
just acquaintances,
and i've never really had any flirting with any of them.

yet,
i can't imagine myself dating or marrying anyone of any other ethnicity.

this is a problem.
how exactly am i suppose to end up ultimately marrying a korean guy
when i've never attracted any for the past 20 years?!

i've been hoping that it's just the ones around here in my vicinity.

from my experiences and observations,
the ones around here all seem rather stuck-up, vain, and rude.
it's almost like a club, really.
this club has managed to make me feel unattractive and a joke.
i don't know if they mean to do it,
but it's just in the way they speak to me, look at me, and act toward me.

they spoke to me as if i'm too insignificant to take interest in.
they looked at me as if i came up out of a hole in the ground.
they treated me as if i'm not a girl, like i'm someone who should take crap.

don't get me wrong,
the ones i've liked weren't jerks like the Club.
there are very decent ones here & there.
but i can count them on one hand.
just kidding, i can count them on two hands.

anyway, i'm not attracted to the Club.
then, why care, you ask?
because they make me lose hope for the rest of their kind.

they all seem like decent people away from me.
some of them have gotten cute girlfriends, whom they seem to treat well.
others are suave and charming to girls who i guess meet their standards.
still others can be seen being fun and friendly to their families and friends.
so i won't say they are eternal a-holes.

but it just makes me wonder, is it me?

the ones on television are attractive.
they're usually handsome (duh), fun, friendly, seemingly intelligent individuals.
but maybe they're like that on tv & to the pretty girls on broadcast with them,
but wouldn't be so toward me if we ever met.

there might be other decent ones in other places
like the ones i've had crushes on or my decent guyfriends.
but what if they're decent to everyone, but me??

after all of the stuff i've gone through--
you'd wonder too!!!

is it that i give off a bad vibe?
or i give a bad impression?
i'm just not good looking?
i smell funny?
what is it?

i think it might just be that i don't have what it takes to attract koreans.
you know how there's this korean clique?
and if you're a certain kind of korean, you can join this clique wherever you go?
the Clique is like freaking verizon. "it's the network."
but i don't have coverage.
i'm not close with Clique members.
Clique members usually attract the Club.
sometimes the Club members are in the Clique.
but i've never been in the Clique.
all of the close friends i ever had were/are not in the Clique.
we're korean too, but not in the Clique.
don't ask me why. i don't really get it either.
i just observe & report.

anyway, that's why i think it just may be that way.
i'm not that certain kind of korean.

which is good.
i don't like the Club and personally, the Clique is annoying.
i don't like how you can stereotype the individuals in the Clique and you wouldn't even be wrong.
it's weird. and very subtle, so don't feel stupid if you have no idea what i'm referring to.

anyway, i imagine (& pray) for a korean man
who doesn't bend to those kinds of things.
i want someone who is korean,
can speak both korean & english fluently like me (so he can communicate effectively with my parents and we can teach our future children), understands and appreciates korean culture, and can get along with other korean people.
but i'd love if he had broader horizons that what the Clique can offer.
if he could speak yet another language & had a british, irish, or scottish accent on his english.
if he dressed differently from the way typical korean boys do.
if he cared about more than just who's dating who & what's everybody in the Clique doing.
if he had compassion for others and passion for real issues.
if he had vision for his life and focus.
if he was dedicated to putting action to God's will.
etc.
just someone who is different.
someone who could relate to me.

that'd be awesome.

so.
i just hope it isn't me & that the guys i meet in the future won't join the Club.

safe, right?

i pray everynight for my future husband and children.
never too early to pray.

but yeah, anyway.
i wish some non-Club men would come my way so i could at least brush the rust off of my flirting charms. geez.

time to sleep.

God bless you,

<3 me

our church youth praise team had a carwash today
to raise money for our equipment and such for our upcoming praise night
on july24th.

let me say straight up.
today,
we undoubtedly witnessed God's faithfulness.

i'm guessing people around me got tired of me saying it
'cause after we got done i went on a tireless rant about how wonderfully God came through, etc etc.
but it's just so awesome, you know?
i just couldn't shut up about it ! haha

honestly, at this point in our church's life...
we are small. we are a tiny church.
our youth group is teeny.

and admittedly, we are a bit lazy and spoiled.
our church adults really take care of us.

but after months and months of delay,
weeks upon weeks of drama and stress,
we finally cleared our heads and decided to focus and really try
to do this praise night.

it's a bit discouraging to put ourselves out there and try to do the things church communities normally do
because of our small size.
of course, through God's grace we always manage to pull things off,
but it's always a bit intimidating at first.

today was the same way again.

we were behind on fundraising
and we decided last minute to go through with the carwash,
so we were honest with ourselves,
trying to keep a realistic perspective on how much we should expect out of our carwash.

but of course, since God had shown us so much grace & faithfulness at our anniversary service,
we all individually prayed for a good fundraising day.
i personally prayed that God would come through for us and show us His faithfulness again.

when we first got to the site,
which was the market of one of our newer church members,
we were already discouraged and tired
because the weather was dreary and the parking lot was empty and the only customer we had was my sister
and her car would only count as an example. no donation for that.

but then, the mart owner, who is a very generous man and great contributor to our church,
offered a lot of money to clean his car and encouraged us a lot.
we were awed by his donation and very thankful,
so we meticulously cleaned his car (which hadn't been cleaned in about a year & showed it).

then, my mom stopped by with a few of our family cars.
she & another mom stepped in and helped us big time with a lot of the dirty work.
(throughout the whole process, i felt slightly embarrassed
because of all the help we were receiving from two middle-age ladies
and our work wasn't top-notch even though we tried...
i still felt like we were kind of on the spoiled side
with the way we'd look tuckered out after each job...haha)

the mart owner was so generous and kept bringing us food and drinks from his mart
to almost no end.
he kept encouraging us and watched us work
while also urging his regulars to stop for a carwash,
explaining that this was for our church youth group.

a few kind people stopped by for a carwash
and even though we all probably knew that they'd gotten a better one
at a professional stop,
they all gave generously and complimented us on our good work.

every cent meant a lot to me
and the way that they received our service meant even more.
they were all very kind and encouraging and patient.

the few kind people who stopped by totally outweighed all of the people who passed us by.

when we finally explained to the mart owner that we were trying to raise money
for our youth praise night,
he gave us MORE big money without receiving any other services from our carwash.
i was so touched by his generosity and the way that God was using him in our community
that i almost started crying but i felt that that would probably embarrass him more than anything
so i ran behind our van to calm myself.

the mart owner kept urging us to come back next week to sell teriyaki as a fundraiser,
giving us tips on what would bring in the customers.
he was with us the whole way.

this man, even though he is not a believer yet (not that i know of)
he knows how church activities work and he is very generous.
i want him to know and understand how God is using him.
God is encouraging us and answering our prayers through him.

God works in amazing ways.
He never fails to awe me.

His faithfulness showed through yet again
and He was definitely glorified today.
this is my desire.

i pray that our church will continue to work to glorify Him.

anyway,

YEAH.

thank You, Father God.

God bless you,

<3 me